U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
