god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
