Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
