My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
