the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
