Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
