My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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