I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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