hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
