I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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