There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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