I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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