I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
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