Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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