do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
