mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
