Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
