I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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