Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
