nut hugger
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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