he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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