He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
did i just pee glitter
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize