Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
