i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
