My sheets look like a crime scene.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
