Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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