I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
