i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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