Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
