they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
