Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
