i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I don't deserve a penis
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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