i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
