She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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