My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
