Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
