The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
