everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
