JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
