You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize