new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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