My Higher Power is John Stamos
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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