Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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