she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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