I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
