Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
