Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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