i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
