At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize