I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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