Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
