matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
