I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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