Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
