Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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