I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I need moral support for this bender
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
