Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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