God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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