Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I supernannyed him into submission
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
