I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
