I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
