I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
