i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
