I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
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