Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I will pee on everything he values.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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