I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
