i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
